Have you ever thought about what it will be like once your kids have grown, left the nest, and you've retired?
Well, the semesters come to an end and our last class was about the "later years". Most of the young students in the class can't think or relate to anything beyond getting married and maybe having a child or two. Not me, I'm right in the midst of those "later years".
During this time in your life you figured you'd be retired, living large off your 401K and IRA (ha!), no kids and no responsibilities at home, traveling around to far off places, no stress and just living it up. Well?
Let's take a reality check. This can actually be a stressful time in life as we've become the sandwich generation. Where we still have children living at home and maybe even caring for our aging parents. If this is the situation, this can create an added financial burden. What about rebound children who have left home (maybe single or married) and come back home to live? New boundaries and rules have to be implemented or this can become taxing on the parents and possibly end up causing conflict within the family system.
The parents in these situations need to make sure they are continuing to work on their relationship as a couple, so that when the time comes when everyone's all gone and left the nest, that you have mutual interests to build upon. During this transitional time of life, you'll also need to understand and support each other as you go through some personal challenges. There may be concerns about your own aging-i.e. appearance, physical body and health; thoughts of "how much time you have left" and "what have I done with my life"; as well as thinking about making a career change.
If you are a grandparent, it can be a very rewarding time to spend quality time with them and sharing in their youth excitement as they grow and develop. I know that being a grandma is very rewarding and fills my heart with joy when I get to be involved in their school, church and sports activities. I like to spend one-on-one time with them, getting to know them and just being silly and creating memories. These are the times that let me forget about my aging face and body and just live and enjoy the moment.
So, don't you worry about this "old lady"...she's just going to enjoy her family life and live each moment so that her posterity will know she was here, had a good life and is looking forward to spending the eternities with them!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Why
Why do people divorce when 70% of those who do, within 2 years after, feel like they could have and should have saved the marriage?
One judge, our instructor told us, stated that many young couples that come in for a divorce say that part of their reasoning is that "it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be". Really? No work, all play and sex? Hmm... Can we say virtual world?
In the real world marriage takes commitment, compromise, love, respect, devotion, boundaries, selflessness, sacrifice and a job that makes money. Divorce isn't a problem with communication, it's a problem with your heart. You need to change your perspective and think more about what you can give in the relationship rather than what you can get out of or how you can benefit from the relationship.
Some quick advice: Men-Your wife is NOT your mother! Don't expect her to do everything your mother did when you were a kid. She is your help meet, not your servant. Work together and think of how your wife feels. Make her your queen. Do everything in your power to make her happy!
Women-Did you marry someone to make the money that you now get to spend as you will? Be frugal, be thoughtful of the hard work that it took to provide that money. Do special random acts of kindness to let your husband know that he is thought of and appreciated. Make him your king. Do everything in your power to make him happy!
That's it. Just read some of my past blogs on communication, problem solving, infidelity and such. If all else fails, seek counseling for yourself and/or as a couple and see if you can't make your marriage work...instead of looking back in a few years and saying "I wish I would have tried harder to save my marriage".
One judge, our instructor told us, stated that many young couples that come in for a divorce say that part of their reasoning is that "it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be". Really? No work, all play and sex? Hmm... Can we say virtual world?
In the real world marriage takes commitment, compromise, love, respect, devotion, boundaries, selflessness, sacrifice and a job that makes money. Divorce isn't a problem with communication, it's a problem with your heart. You need to change your perspective and think more about what you can give in the relationship rather than what you can get out of or how you can benefit from the relationship.
Some quick advice: Men-Your wife is NOT your mother! Don't expect her to do everything your mother did when you were a kid. She is your help meet, not your servant. Work together and think of how your wife feels. Make her your queen. Do everything in your power to make her happy!
Women-Did you marry someone to make the money that you now get to spend as you will? Be frugal, be thoughtful of the hard work that it took to provide that money. Do special random acts of kindness to let your husband know that he is thought of and appreciated. Make him your king. Do everything in your power to make him happy!
That's it. Just read some of my past blogs on communication, problem solving, infidelity and such. If all else fails, seek counseling for yourself and/or as a couple and see if you can't make your marriage work...instead of looking back in a few years and saying "I wish I would have tried harder to save my marriage".
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Who Owns the Problem?
When you have a problem or conflict with someone...do you have a tendency to automatically assume it is their problem to resolve with you? Do you know how to recognize who should take responsibility and what steps to take care to resolve the issue?
This week we watched several video clips by Active Parenting Publishers in which they talk about relationships with teenagers and "who owns the problem" when conflict or disagreements arise. I think this can go for marital or any type of relationship (i.e. school, work, business, etc.) where you need to understand and be able to identify "whose problem" it really is. Only then can the issue begin to get resolved effectively.
Here is a link to the short video clip:
http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0&EndCue=1643&VideoName=1561_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos
After watching this and taking the little tests after the scenarios to determine "whose problem" it was, I realized I failed miserably in determining who needed to take responsibility in these situations. (Oh, so sad) I wonder if you would do any better! Try it.
Anyway, they went on to give some clues in determining who should take ownership of the situation(s).
1) Who is the problem behavior directly affecting?
2) Whose goals are being blocked?
3) Does the problem involve health, safety, or family values?
4) Is the problem one that you can reasonably expect your teen/ spouse/co-worker, etc. to solve?
These questions make you kind of think...or at least they should. So, next conflict ask YOURSELF these questions! It might change your opinion of who should be and is responsible to fix the situation.
This next video talks about responsibility and consequences. It talks about cooperation and communication techniques as well as how to use "I" messages when communicating a problem you wish to resolve with someone. This is good information for everyone in a variety of situations so that you are working on the problem without attacking the person. Watching "what" you say (words), "how" you say it (tone of voice), and your non-verbal cues as you converse can make a big difference in trying to come to a resolution that all can be happy with.
http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=6&EndCue=1754&VideoName=1562_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos
Well, during this holiday season, you are probably going to be around crowds of people, busy work schedules and lots of family and friends. This may make you a little bit more on edge or frustrated. So, make sure you recognize when there is an issue and try to resolve it calmly and respectfully, so
that you and all involved can be happy and content.
And remember, if it's YOUR problem...OWN IT, resolve it!!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Fathers
Fathers are so important in our lives. I wanted to share a little bit about my father, who passed away 30 years ago, and what an incredible example of a man, husband, father and human being he was.
What was your relationship with your father, step, foster or adopted father like? Are there attributes in his character that you have tried to portray in yourself? Tell me your favorite and fond memories.
The example of my father- My dad has a special place in my heart. Growing up I loved getting his warm and tender hugs and kisses. My father was a musician-concert pianist, opera tenor, and university music professor-and I would so enjoy sitting at the piano with him or to be anywhere in the house where I could listen to him sing and play. He loved to share his musical talents with others. Fond memories are of going with my father to concerts of all types. He would try and take each of us children by ourselves to spend time with him at these performances or events. It really helped to establish a bond and friendship between us.
What was your relationship with your father, step, foster or adopted father like? Are there attributes in his character that you have tried to portray in yourself? Tell me your favorite and fond memories.
The example of my father- My dad has a special place in my heart. Growing up I loved getting his warm and tender hugs and kisses. My father was a musician-concert pianist, opera tenor, and university music professor-and I would so enjoy sitting at the piano with him or to be anywhere in the house where I could listen to him sing and play. He loved to share his musical talents with others. Fond memories are of going with my father to concerts of all types. He would try and take each of us children by ourselves to spend time with him at these performances or events. It really helped to establish a bond and friendship between us.
My father was a very honest, patient, fair and distinguished
gentleman. My father didn’t “get mad” or
“fly off the handle”. He was always
patient, looking beyond the moment, having empathy for others and their circumstance.
He listened with intent and understanding and he never judged another, but saw the
“bright side” of everything and everybody.
He was quite unique and remarkable in those attributes. He, therefore, had enduring relationships with
all those around him.
My father treated my mother as “his queen”, always trying to
do things to make her happy. They didn’t
always agree, but he would softly and sweetly take my mother into their bedroom
to discuss matters of importance calmly and then they would come out
united.
He could look beyond the “here and now” in disciplining us
children. He calmly and respectfully
spoke to my siblings and I-even if we were not calm or being respectful-making
sure he heard us out. He would be quiet
and we could see he was thinking and then he would explain to us the reasoning
and what conclusion or decision he (or with my mom) had made on the
situation. I didn’t always agree with his
reasoning, but I always knew that his answer was fair. In hindsight, and as a parent, I can see how
wise he was.
I love you Dad!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
There is a GOOD way to fight in a Marriage?!
WHAT?! Is there a good way to fight in a marriage?
A lot of fighting and/or conflicts in a marriage or partnership seems to be about power and control, where the person in control tells others what to do and when. It's about winners and losers.
Do you agree?
Conflicts can have both positive and negative consequences. By handling conflict appropriately, the quality of the relationship can be enhanced and create a more intense sense of intimacy. Conflict can bring issues out into the open and it can help clarify issues. Conflict will also increase your awareness of the kind of person you are and can become.
Well, there are different styles of conflict, such as:
A. Competition involves a high concern for oneself and a low concern for the other person. If this is your dominant style, you view conflict as a kind of war. The lowest marital satisfaction occurs among couples that use this style of conflict.
B. Avoidance you have little concern for your own interests or for the interests of the other party. You are mainly concerned about maintaining peace, even though differences are never resolved. Couples who avoid conflict are less happy than couples that use other styles. And there is a higher risk of verbal and physical abuse among couples where one partner is an avoider and one is a competitor.
C. Accommodation (opposite of Competition) is a neglect of one's own interests in order to pursue the interests of the other. You may engage in conflict, but you always give in to your partner. You don't shrink away from all conflict (like an avoider), but you don't assert your own interests and therefore you give in as you don't want to offend or deny your partner.
D. Compromise involves some concern about both your own interests and the interests of the other person. Your concern is enough to seek and reach a solution that is satisfactory to both of you. Compromise tends to build intimacy. However, it seems that only about 10% of relationships use compromise to resolve their conflicts.
Did you find your style? Which one were you? Do you think it's the most effective?
PUT UP YOUR DUKES!! So, what is a good way to fight?
1) Maintain your perspective~ask yourself...is it really important?
2) Develop Tension Outlets~Humor, Exercise, Sport and Meditation that can help you get rid of some of your tension.
3) Avoid Festering Resentment~It is vital that you openly confront things that are of importance to you and to resolve them. Partners must practice forgiveness.
4) Be Sensitive to Timing~It is usually best to avoid conflict when you are angry, exhausted, right before an event, etc. Conflict can only be constructive to the relationship when both people can function rationally as well as emotionally.
5) Communicate without Ceasing~Do not handle conflict with the silent treatment or by simply hoping that everything will turn out okay with the passage of time. It is the quality of communicating, not just the fact of communicating that is important. The communication process needs to have a certain calmness and instead of trying so hard to make your point, try to listen more carefully to what the other person is saying.
6) Be Flexible and Willing to Compromise~it is important to both accommodate and compromise in conflict. Give in when the issue doesn't matter that much to you and compromise when the issue is important to you. It is not a surrender, but a realistic way to handle a problem.
7) Use Conflict to Attack Problems, NOT Your Spouse~THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!! Approach conflict as a problem-solving rather than a spouse-bashing exercise. Distressed couples show more anger and blaming and less ability to focus on the problem. "We have a problem", not "You are a problem".
8) Keep LOVING while you are Fighting~Avoid "low blows" and extremes statements and focus on the problem. Keep the conflict within the bounds of reason. Act out of concern for the well-being of the other person, independent of our feelings at the moment. When you refuse to "hurt" your partner during conflict, you are continuing to love. Keep in mind the things you like about your spouse even while you are fighting!
Is this possible...to LOVE your spouse/partner with resolving a conflict? Try some of these ideas and see what happens!
A lot of fighting and/or conflicts in a marriage or partnership seems to be about power and control, where the person in control tells others what to do and when. It's about winners and losers.
Do you agree?
Conflicts can have both positive and negative consequences. By handling conflict appropriately, the quality of the relationship can be enhanced and create a more intense sense of intimacy. Conflict can bring issues out into the open and it can help clarify issues. Conflict will also increase your awareness of the kind of person you are and can become.
Well, there are different styles of conflict, such as:
A. Competition involves a high concern for oneself and a low concern for the other person. If this is your dominant style, you view conflict as a kind of war. The lowest marital satisfaction occurs among couples that use this style of conflict.
B. Avoidance you have little concern for your own interests or for the interests of the other party. You are mainly concerned about maintaining peace, even though differences are never resolved. Couples who avoid conflict are less happy than couples that use other styles. And there is a higher risk of verbal and physical abuse among couples where one partner is an avoider and one is a competitor.
C. Accommodation (opposite of Competition) is a neglect of one's own interests in order to pursue the interests of the other. You may engage in conflict, but you always give in to your partner. You don't shrink away from all conflict (like an avoider), but you don't assert your own interests and therefore you give in as you don't want to offend or deny your partner.
D. Compromise involves some concern about both your own interests and the interests of the other person. Your concern is enough to seek and reach a solution that is satisfactory to both of you. Compromise tends to build intimacy. However, it seems that only about 10% of relationships use compromise to resolve their conflicts.
Did you find your style? Which one were you? Do you think it's the most effective?
PUT UP YOUR DUKES!! So, what is a good way to fight?
1) Maintain your perspective~ask yourself...is it really important?
2) Develop Tension Outlets~Humor, Exercise, Sport and Meditation that can help you get rid of some of your tension.
3) Avoid Festering Resentment~It is vital that you openly confront things that are of importance to you and to resolve them. Partners must practice forgiveness.
4) Be Sensitive to Timing~It is usually best to avoid conflict when you are angry, exhausted, right before an event, etc. Conflict can only be constructive to the relationship when both people can function rationally as well as emotionally.
5) Communicate without Ceasing~Do not handle conflict with the silent treatment or by simply hoping that everything will turn out okay with the passage of time. It is the quality of communicating, not just the fact of communicating that is important. The communication process needs to have a certain calmness and instead of trying so hard to make your point, try to listen more carefully to what the other person is saying.
6) Be Flexible and Willing to Compromise~it is important to both accommodate and compromise in conflict. Give in when the issue doesn't matter that much to you and compromise when the issue is important to you. It is not a surrender, but a realistic way to handle a problem.
7) Use Conflict to Attack Problems, NOT Your Spouse~THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!! Approach conflict as a problem-solving rather than a spouse-bashing exercise. Distressed couples show more anger and blaming and less ability to focus on the problem. "We have a problem", not "You are a problem".
8) Keep LOVING while you are Fighting~Avoid "low blows" and extremes statements and focus on the problem. Keep the conflict within the bounds of reason. Act out of concern for the well-being of the other person, independent of our feelings at the moment. When you refuse to "hurt" your partner during conflict, you are continuing to love. Keep in mind the things you like about your spouse even while you are fighting!
Is this possible...to LOVE your spouse/partner with resolving a conflict? Try some of these ideas and see what happens!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
How do we handle a crisis?
Have you ever had a crisis in your life or had any stress?
Who are we kidding?...who hasn't!?!
Let's first define what a "crisis" is and what is "stress".
CRISIS~
Who are we kidding?...who hasn't!?!
Let's first define what a "crisis" is and what is "stress".
CRISIS~
a. A crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point.
b. An unstable condition, as in political, social, or economic affairs, involving an impending abrupt or decisive change.
2. A sudden change in the course of a disease or fever, toward either improvement or deterioration.
3. An emotionally stressful event or traumatic change in a person's life.
4. A point in a story or drama when a conflict reaches its highest tension and must be resolved.
Denotes a critical point or state of affairs: a military crisis; government policy at the crossroad; had predicted the health-care exigency; a problem that is coming to a head; negotiations that had reached a crucial juncture; things rapidly coming to a desperate pass.
Denotes a critical point or state of affairs: a military crisis; government policy at the crossroad; had predicted the health-care exigency; a problem that is coming to a head; negotiations that had reached a crucial juncture; things rapidly coming to a desperate pass.
Stress is a person's response to a stressor such as an environmental condition or a stimulus. Stress is a body's method of reacting to a challenge. According to the stressful event, the body's way to respond to stress is by sympathetic nervous system activation which results in the fight-or-flight response. Stress typically describes a negative condition or a positive condition that can have an impact on a person's mental and physical well-being.
In our class this week, we were to write down 10 significant "stressor events" that we had witnessed in our own families or in others. We were to write out what made these events stressful or critical.
This was harder than I thought it would be. As I began to write about 1 incident, it many times turned into 2 or 3 incidents that happened in succession or simultaneously. Remember that old adage that bad things happen in 3's? Hmmm... Sometimes I wonder where the 3 begin and where it ends!
Anyway, as I was writing down these critical and stressful times in my life, I would be overcome with emotion. It was, for some, the first time I had written or thought about these events. It took me a long time to complete all 10 as I needed to stop and wring a few tissues. I also noticed that I kept going in the kitchen, during these pauses. I would rummage in the cupboard or freezer looking and getting something sweet to eat. After the 3rd or 4th time...DING!!...it hit me. I was coping with the "stress" of just remembering and writing, by eating. I was comforting myself with food! Have any of you done that before? Have you even noticed how you comfort yourself in times of crisis or stress?
I realize that you can't control all of the things that happen in life, but you can control the way you respond to them. It is important to confront/face the crisis and begin by taking responsibility for yourself. Don't deny it, avoid it, blame others, or play the victim. Move beyond the hurt and pain and begin to heal by addressing the situation and getting help (family, friends, professional), if need be. There are many resources to help us cope in a time of need/crisis, such as:
~family members
~religious beliefs
~friends
~therapist
~books/websites
~self-help/support groups
~other community, medical, and mental health agencies and programs
Next time you find yourself in a crisis or stressful situation, try to remember...THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
In our class this week, we were to write down 10 significant "stressor events" that we had witnessed in our own families or in others. We were to write out what made these events stressful or critical.
This was harder than I thought it would be. As I began to write about 1 incident, it many times turned into 2 or 3 incidents that happened in succession or simultaneously. Remember that old adage that bad things happen in 3's? Hmmm... Sometimes I wonder where the 3 begin and where it ends!
Anyway, as I was writing down these critical and stressful times in my life, I would be overcome with emotion. It was, for some, the first time I had written or thought about these events. It took me a long time to complete all 10 as I needed to stop and wring a few tissues. I also noticed that I kept going in the kitchen, during these pauses. I would rummage in the cupboard or freezer looking and getting something sweet to eat. After the 3rd or 4th time...DING!!...it hit me. I was coping with the "stress" of just remembering and writing, by eating. I was comforting myself with food! Have any of you done that before? Have you even noticed how you comfort yourself in times of crisis or stress?
I realize that you can't control all of the things that happen in life, but you can control the way you respond to them. It is important to confront/face the crisis and begin by taking responsibility for yourself. Don't deny it, avoid it, blame others, or play the victim. Move beyond the hurt and pain and begin to heal by addressing the situation and getting help (family, friends, professional), if need be. There are many resources to help us cope in a time of need/crisis, such as:
~family members
~religious beliefs
~friends
~therapist
~books/websites
~self-help/support groups
~other community, medical, and mental health agencies and programs
Next time you find yourself in a crisis or stressful situation, try to remember...THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Hawaii's Marriage Laws are being changed by lawmakers against the will of the people
"There are many political and social pressures for legal and policy
changes to establish behaviors contrary to God's decrees about sexual
morality and are contrary to the eternal nature and purposes of marriage
and child-bearing. These pressures have already permitted same-gender
marriages in various states and nations."
Laws legalizing so called "same-gender marriage," he added, do not change God's law of marriage of His commandments and standards.
"We remain under covenant to love God and keep His commandments and to refrain from bowing down to or serving other gods and priorities — even those becoming popular in our particular time and place."
To those who are dealing with this issue in their states, like Hawaii: DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT FOR RIGHT! DON'T BE DISCOURAGE...BE ENCOURAGED TO MAKE A CHANGE IN YOUR LEADERSHIP!! God is with us, we just need to show God that we are with Him_and are willing to put forth the effort to protect His laws and commandments. We have been warned that a time like these were to come. God sent down His valiant servants at this period in time to STAND FOR TRUTH AND RIGHTEOUSNESS! I've written to my lawmakers in Hawaii, I am too far away at this time to do more (like physically protest), but I WILL LET MY VOICE BE HEARD!
The time has come to get down off the fence and choose...
Laws legalizing so called "same-gender marriage," he added, do not change God's law of marriage of His commandments and standards.
"We remain under covenant to love God and keep His commandments and to refrain from bowing down to or serving other gods and priorities — even those becoming popular in our particular time and place."
To those who are dealing with this issue in their states, like Hawaii: DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT FOR RIGHT! DON'T BE DISCOURAGE...BE ENCOURAGED TO MAKE A CHANGE IN YOUR LEADERSHIP!! God is with us, we just need to show God that we are with Him_and are willing to put forth the effort to protect His laws and commandments. We have been warned that a time like these were to come. God sent down His valiant servants at this period in time to STAND FOR TRUTH AND RIGHTEOUSNESS! I've written to my lawmakers in Hawaii, I am too far away at this time to do more (like physically protest), but I WILL LET MY VOICE BE HEARD!
The time has come to get down off the fence and choose...
"For as he (man) thinketh in his heart, so is he..." Proverbs 23:7
This week we discussed several topics on dealing with sexual and moral issues in our families and society. For this blog, I am going to briefly touch on the subject of protecting our marriages from INFIDELITY.
Surprisingly, the rate of infidelity has not increased in the last 20 years and the number of adults reporting that they consider marital infidelity as "always wrong" has actually increased. It is reported that approximately 21% of men and 14% of women have had an extramarital affair. Does this surprise you?
There are 4 types of affairs:
1) Detached-emotional=this usually involves a state of "fantasy" in their relationship
2) Detached-physical=this involves visual stimulation such as pornography
3) Attached-emotional=this where there are romantic attachments to someone other than
their spouse
4) Attached-physical=this is where there is sexual intimacy or involvement with someone other than their spouse
"Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity" Spencer W. Kimball
"Whoso committeth adultery with a woman (or man) lacketh understanding; he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul." -Proverbs 6:32
What impacts and consequences are there? I think this you can figure this out!
What are the causes? It has less to do with the state of the marriage and more to do with the individual. Many times they will claim a sense of dissatisfaction, a sense that something is missing. Women say they feel unloved and unvalued.
Prevention- First a relationship should establish boundaries. It's easier to prevent than to remedy.
-Spouse is #1- think of him or her 1st; let your spouse be your best friend; be selfless
=how can you help make their life easier/better; communicate=share feelings, your life; show acts of random kindness and affection; share the household workload; forgive the little imperfections
-Be fiercely LOYAL=determine there will NEVER be anything that will come between you
-Control your thoughts, change who we are and how we act, if necessary
-Resist the desire to "rescue" an unhappy soul who pours his heart out to you
-Don't share the most painful or intimate things of your soul w/attractive alternative
-Discuss and work on marital problems at home or with a professional, not others
-Don't take breaks or lunch w/the same person all the time
-If meeting people/co-workers while traveling, only meet in public places
-If you are meeting an old girlfriend or boyfriend, make sure your spouse is with you
-Don't flirt or allow your mind or heart to dwell on anyone other than your spouse
**These are appropriate WALLS to protect your marriage from outside influences and opens the window of love and communication within your marriage.**
Can a marriage be saved after an extramarital affair? 70% of couples stay together and half of these will stay together and say that they have an even better relationship. Surprised?
Making the choice to stay together=Of course it will take a lot of hard work; determination; trust; commitment; boundaries; no more secrets, excuses or coverups; showing your vulnerabilities; understanding; true repentance and forgiveness; healing the past; strengthening the present and enriching the future!
Surprisingly, the rate of infidelity has not increased in the last 20 years and the number of adults reporting that they consider marital infidelity as "always wrong" has actually increased. It is reported that approximately 21% of men and 14% of women have had an extramarital affair. Does this surprise you?
There are 4 types of affairs:
1) Detached-emotional=this usually involves a state of "fantasy" in their relationship
2) Detached-physical=this involves visual stimulation such as pornography
3) Attached-emotional=this where there are romantic attachments to someone other than
their spouse
4) Attached-physical=this is where there is sexual intimacy or involvement with someone other than their spouse
"Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity" Spencer W. Kimball
"Whoso committeth adultery with a woman (or man) lacketh understanding; he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul." -Proverbs 6:32
What impacts and consequences are there? I think this you can figure this out!
What are the causes? It has less to do with the state of the marriage and more to do with the individual. Many times they will claim a sense of dissatisfaction, a sense that something is missing. Women say they feel unloved and unvalued.
Prevention- First a relationship should establish boundaries. It's easier to prevent than to remedy.
-Spouse is #1- think of him or her 1st; let your spouse be your best friend; be selfless
=how can you help make their life easier/better; communicate=share feelings, your life; show acts of random kindness and affection; share the household workload; forgive the little imperfections
-Be fiercely LOYAL=determine there will NEVER be anything that will come between you
-Control your thoughts, change who we are and how we act, if necessary
-Resist the desire to "rescue" an unhappy soul who pours his heart out to you
-Don't share the most painful or intimate things of your soul w/attractive alternative
-Discuss and work on marital problems at home or with a professional, not others
-Don't take breaks or lunch w/the same person all the time
-If meeting people/co-workers while traveling, only meet in public places
-If you are meeting an old girlfriend or boyfriend, make sure your spouse is with you
-Don't flirt or allow your mind or heart to dwell on anyone other than your spouse
**These are appropriate WALLS to protect your marriage from outside influences and opens the window of love and communication within your marriage.**
Can a marriage be saved after an extramarital affair? 70% of couples stay together and half of these will stay together and say that they have an even better relationship. Surprised?
Making the choice to stay together=Of course it will take a lot of hard work; determination; trust; commitment; boundaries; no more secrets, excuses or coverups; showing your vulnerabilities; understanding; true repentance and forgiveness; healing the past; strengthening the present and enriching the future!
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Couples and Marriage-love & attraction
In ancient Greece & Rome, & in Europe through the 18th century, marriage was tied up more with politics and money than with love. In medieval Europe, the elite used marriage as a way to increase their wealth and to form political alliances. Among the middle classes, marriage was largely a business matter, a way for a man to raise capital (from the dowry) and for women to gain economic security. Marriage now is based more on love & attraction.
Have you ever heard of the movie Johnny Lingo? It is about 23 minutes long, but is a great example of love. When I was a kid, we girls used to joke with each other about whether we were a 6, 8, or 10 cow wife. Do we love our partner enough to bring out the good in them and help them to live up to their potential (beauty)? How we view our partner can be what they become...good or not so good. We are to become as one when we marry, so why wouldn't you love and cherish your partner and yourself as children of God with eternal potential for happiness together? Get outside of yourself and love your partner like Johnny Lingo did and see the miracles that can take place.
http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-05-0010-johnny-lingo?category=feature-films
(this is the original film, there is a newer version too, but I like this the best! Enjoy :-)
Have you ever heard of the movie Johnny Lingo? It is about 23 minutes long, but is a great example of love. When I was a kid, we girls used to joke with each other about whether we were a 6, 8, or 10 cow wife. Do we love our partner enough to bring out the good in them and help them to live up to their potential (beauty)? How we view our partner can be what they become...good or not so good. We are to become as one when we marry, so why wouldn't you love and cherish your partner and yourself as children of God with eternal potential for happiness together? Get outside of yourself and love your partner like Johnny Lingo did and see the miracles that can take place.
http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-05-0010-johnny-lingo?category=feature-films
(this is the original film, there is a newer version too, but I like this the best! Enjoy :-)
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Love and Intimacy
This week's topic of conversation was about physical attraction, dating, love and marriage. We were asked to define "Love". This is my definition: A feeling of deep connectivity where you desire to be your "best self" and have secure feelings of passion and commitment. What would your definition be?
We discussed why people chose cohabitation instead of marriage. I feel that cohabitation shows a lack of commitment. This is where people want to "put their toe in the water" to test it and pull it back out, if they don't like it...like "no harm done" or "at least now I know" attitude. So they are only going to put in 1/2 the effort..."just in case" it doesn't work out. Then they weren't fully invested, so "that's okay" is the feeling after a break up. What is your feeling about cohabitation instead of marriage?
What are some of the qualities you would like to see in the person you'd choose to marry?
Here is my list:
* Honest with self and others * Affectionate
* Loyal * Attractive-takes care of self
* Respectful and kind * Hard worker & educated
* Shows sympathy and empathy * Dependable
* Communicator-expresses feelings, holds conversations about many topics
Long term satisfaction is difficult to predict because: 1) Knowledge of someone is always limited. People may not reveal problematic aspects of their lives until after marriage and; 2) Our needs and interests change over time. Which can make us more or less compatible.
Whatever patterns you've started in the beginning of the relationship will be a good predictor of how the marriage relationship will be.
Women marry thinking that things will change after marriage. Men think that things will stay the same.
The things we found attractive when dating, are now the things we don't like in the marriage.
Just a few things to make you go...hmmmm. Any opinions? Do you agree with any of these statements or am I off the mark?
We discussed why people chose cohabitation instead of marriage. I feel that cohabitation shows a lack of commitment. This is where people want to "put their toe in the water" to test it and pull it back out, if they don't like it...like "no harm done" or "at least now I know" attitude. So they are only going to put in 1/2 the effort..."just in case" it doesn't work out. Then they weren't fully invested, so "that's okay" is the feeling after a break up. What is your feeling about cohabitation instead of marriage?
What are some of the qualities you would like to see in the person you'd choose to marry?
Here is my list:
* Honest with self and others * Affectionate
* Loyal * Attractive-takes care of self
* Respectful and kind * Hard worker & educated
* Shows sympathy and empathy * Dependable
* Communicator-expresses feelings, holds conversations about many topics
Long term satisfaction is difficult to predict because: 1) Knowledge of someone is always limited. People may not reveal problematic aspects of their lives until after marriage and; 2) Our needs and interests change over time. Which can make us more or less compatible.
Whatever patterns you've started in the beginning of the relationship will be a good predictor of how the marriage relationship will be.
Women marry thinking that things will change after marriage. Men think that things will stay the same.
The things we found attractive when dating, are now the things we don't like in the marriage.
Just a few things to make you go...hmmmm. Any opinions? Do you agree with any of these statements or am I off the mark?
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