Ahhh...The Later Years of Life!!

Have you ever thought about what it will be like once your kids have grown, left the nest, and you've retired?

Well, the semesters come to an end and our last class was about the "later years".  Most of the young students in the class can't think or relate to anything beyond getting married and maybe having a child or two.  Not me, I'm right in the midst of those "later years". 

During this time in your life you figured you'd be retired, living large off your 401K and IRA (ha!), no kids and no responsibilities at home, traveling around to far off places, no stress and just living it up.  Well?

Let's take a reality check.  This can actually be a stressful time in life as we've become the sandwich generation.  Where we  still have children living at home and maybe even caring for our aging parents.  If this is the situation, this can create an added financial burden.  What about rebound children who have left home (maybe single or married) and come back home to live?  New boundaries and rules have to be implemented or this can become taxing on the parents and possibly end up causing conflict within the family system. 

The parents in these situations need to make sure they are continuing to work on their relationship as a couple, so that when the time comes when everyone's all gone and left the nest, that you have mutual interests to build upon.  During this transitional time of life, you'll also need to understand and support each other as you go through some personal challenges.  There may be concerns about your own aging-i.e. appearance, physical body and health; thoughts of "how much time you have left" and "what have I done with my life"; as well as thinking about making a career change.

If you are a grandparent, it can be a very rewarding time to spend quality time with them and sharing in their youth excitement as they grow and develop.  I know that being a grandma is very rewarding and fills my heart with joy when I get to be involved in their school, church and sports activities.  I like to spend one-on-one time with them, getting to know them and just being silly and creating memories.  These are the times that let me forget about my aging face and body and just live and enjoy the moment.

So, don't you worry about this "old lady"...she's just going to enjoy her family life and live each moment so that her posterity will know she was here, had a good life and is looking forward to spending the eternities with them!

Why

Why do people divorce when 70% of those who do, within 2 years after, feel like they could have and should have saved the marriage?

One judge, our instructor told us, stated that many young couples that come in for a divorce say that part of their reasoning is that "it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be".  Really?  No work, all play and sex?  Hmm... Can we say virtual world?

In the real world marriage takes commitment, compromise, love, respect, devotion, boundaries, selflessness, sacrifice and a job that makes money.  Divorce isn't a problem with communication, it's a problem with your heart.  You need to change your perspective and think more about what you can give in the relationship rather than what you can get out of or how you can benefit from the relationship.

Some quick advice:  Men-Your wife is NOT your mother!  Don't expect her to do everything your mother did when you were a kid.  She is your help meet, not your servant.  Work together and think of how your wife feels.  Make her your queen.  Do everything in your power to make her happy!
Women-Did you marry someone to make the money that you now get to spend as you will?  Be frugal, be thoughtful of the hard work that it took to provide that money.  Do special random acts of kindness to let your husband know that he is thought of and appreciated.  Make him your king.  Do everything in your power to make him happy!

That's it. Just read some of my past blogs on communication, problem solving, infidelity and such.  If all else fails, seek counseling for yourself and/or as a couple and see if you can't make your marriage work...instead of looking back in a few years and saying "I wish I would have tried harder to save my marriage".

Who Owns the Problem?

When you have a problem or conflict with someone...do you have a tendency to automatically assume it is their problem to resolve with you?  Do you know how to recognize who should take responsibility and what steps to take care to resolve the issue?  

This week we watched several video clips by Active Parenting Publishers in which they talk about relationships with teenagers and "who owns the problem" when conflict or disagreements arise.  I think this can go for marital or any type of relationship (i.e. school, work, business, etc.) where you need to understand and be able to identify "whose problem" it really is.  Only then can the issue begin to get resolved effectively.

Here is a link to the short video clip:
 http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0&EndCue=1643&VideoName=1561_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos

After watching this and taking the little tests after the scenarios to determine "whose problem" it was, I realized I failed miserably in determining who needed to take responsibility in these situations.  (Oh, so sad)  I wonder if you would do any better!  Try it.

Anyway, they went on to give some clues in determining who should take ownership of the situation(s).  
           1) Who is the problem behavior directly affecting?
           2) Whose goals are being blocked?
           3) Does the problem involve health, safety, or family values?
           4) Is the problem one that you can reasonably expect your teen/ spouse/co-worker, etc. to solve? 

These questions make you kind of think...or at least they should.  So, next conflict ask YOURSELF these questions! It might change your opinion of who should be and is responsible to fix the situation. 

 This next video talks about responsibility and consequences.  It talks about cooperation and communication techniques as well as how to use "I" messages when communicating a problem you wish to resolve with someone.  This is good information for everyone in a variety of situations so that you are working on the problem without attacking the person.  Watching "what" you say (words), "how" you say it (tone of voice), and your non-verbal cues as you converse can make a big difference in trying to come to a resolution that all can be happy with.

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=6&EndCue=1754&VideoName=1562_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos  

Well, during this holiday season, you are probably going to be around crowds of people, busy work schedules and lots of family and friends.  This may make you a little bit more on edge or frustrated.  So, make sure you recognize when there is an issue and try to resolve it calmly and respectfully, so
that you and all involved can be happy and content.

And remember, if it's YOUR problem...OWN IT, resolve it!!